No Longer â€œFlying By the Seat of My Pantsâ€ (Part I)snoedel.moorelife.nl | April 25, 2010 | 03:59
~Flying by the seat of one’s own pants: An early aviation expression meaning 'to act based on instinct and perceptions rather than following a planned course of action; to make things up as one goes.~
As I was waking up this morning finally feeling rested and together enough to share the deets of the “infamous” results day, I thought to myself, “Wow, that’s really personal stuff. I mean you’re actual test results and meanings?” I quickly answered myself the way I do (welcome to life inside my head) with the remembrance of how important it is; of how I would LOVE to find such things about someone else to comfort and/or learn more myself. I decided to just think of it as my sharing the recipe to what makes the perfect Quiche Yvonne.
Needless to say it was a scary day. To top it all off (here comes the way the Universe throws little wrenches into the mix of our almost organized tool boxes) my dad was just diagnosed with lung and liver cancer. Yup. Days before I am possibly going to find out that cancer is out of my life, I got another “phone call.” Let me quickly add that it was no surprise as he has been a heavy smoker and drinker all of my life. That’s fifty three years and not counting before my time. Of course that doesn’t make it any easier. Along with the news, it’s going to be very hard for me to watch him, at seventy-six, do all and anything the doctors tell him to do; hard to watch him most probably go downhill and not up. He and his wife are absolutely closed to anything I’ve learned or am doing so all I can do is be supportive of their choices and mean it from the bottom of my heart.
If that wasn’t enough to swallow, just days before my appointment I heard again from my mom how my two sisters and brother as soon as they heard, even though one sister and my brother have been estranged from Dad off and on for many years, were at his side and literally his door when they heard. It’s been just about five months since my “phone call” and not one has contacted me. Not even a card. We, too, are estranged again. (Their choice not mine) In my family we never learned how to fight. Now I don’t mean down and dirty fighting. I mean healthy sharing of hurt or angry feelings fighting. I, on the other hand, on my own and with many years of counseling and searching learned how to share my feelings. Let’s just say that’s why I was cut off again by my three siblings-I dared to not only feel, but share. For me, living that way means, “I love you and our relationship so much that I don’t want to have resentments.” For them it means, (I guess, as I really can’t understand abandoning those you love for any reason) “Fuck you. How dare you feel anything but happiness toward me! I’ll show you what it means to hurt.”
Mom was supposed to go to the appointment with us. When I invited her it felt so good to finally be at a place where I was able to allow her to “be there for” me as she has been wanting. Appointments are always scary and each time she offered to take me to one I declined. I needed my hunk of a man by my side. The thought of her joining us now as a guest instead of my “rock” of the day felt really good, but when I found that two hours after she shared all of Dad’s happenings with his kids I couldn't shake the sadness I left her a message with a white lie while she was in the dentist’s chair. I told her that my appointment was changed to one hour earlier so that there was no way she could make it. I planned on telling her the truth later. I knew if I had told the truth in my message I then would have taken a huge dose of guilt to my appointment knowing I had most probably hurt her feelings.
During our earlier conversation I told her that I was sincerely happy for Dad but added that I’m only human. No matter how enlightened, loving or forgiving I’ve become over the years I still have a human heart that hurts when things and people behave in ways I don’t understand. My leaving a message with the white lie was done on the spur of the moment. I didn’t want to think about it too much or I might change my mind. I know myself well. If I changed my mind it would have been to spare her feelings. I would have been ignoring my inability to shake the sadness. I felt that while Dad, his cancer and his new and very different future with his other kids are not a part of my life and reality, they are and will very much be a part of Mom’s. Knowing all that I know about energies and how they affect me, I was afraid that she would energetically bring my entire family with us. I had enough on my plate. There was no room in our truck for four more people; no room for people who want nothing to do with me on a day that I needed to be surrounded by those who love me.
Before finally going on with why I sat down to write today (Sheesh…can I EVER “make a long story short?”) I have to share what I heard the way that I do days earlier when I said to Joe, “Isn’t it ironic? I was all excited that cancer was most probably out of my life and now this.” Right away my Guidance, a bit firmly I might add said, “Cancer IS out of YOUR life! You do NOT now have to carry the cancer of your Father!” Through the firmness, I felt not only the love for me come through but also for my dad and siblings. It is their journey not mine. Sometimes we must love people by allowing them all that is in store for them; by not putting on our red capes and swooping in regardless of how it affects our own well-being.
I love my two sisters and brother as much as I’ve always loved them. The first time I heard they were instantly at Dad’s side and after the tears shed envisioning the love they have for him right now that was not there for me, once again my Guidance took over. This time it was not with words. It was with a Knowing implanted right into my heart. The truth is my siblings are like strangers to me. I really wouldn’t know what to do if they suddenly were at my door like they were at Dad’s after all these years. Dad needs them and all of that rallying right now. I don’t. Would I have loved to have it? Of course. While I knew from the start I wasn’t hoping for relationships I will be honest. I did at the very least hope for cards saying, “I heard, I love you, and I am here if you need me.” But needing and wanting are two very different "animals." Dad is already thriving emotionally and “going to beat this thing” when just weeks ago he couldn’t care less if he lived or died.
Cancer did not enter my life so that I could learn or experience what it is like to be loved by others. It very Divinely and Perfectly arrived so that I could learn and experience what it’s like to love mySelf.