If I’m picking up any lessons here at the moment, they are tough ones: Something is telling me that it’s all ‘nothing personal’, that true unconditional love is not aimed at anything. Anything personal that was in my life is resolutely stripped from it, leaving only the bare essentials which I don’t really like. A strictly 3D succession of endless useless activities, that results in nothing other than more chaos.
Friends, what are they other than strictly temporal excitations of my field of vision, that excite me for two minutes flat, and then fade back into the void of electrons from whence they came, leaving me to wonder if I exist at all? The most real component of existence at the moment is my youngest daughter, who temporarily lives with me. But even she is nothing more than a series of requests to fulfill, for the moment she is there. Her world isn’t mine any more as mine is hers, and it shows….
Yeah, I’m emotional. Life feels like I’m still dealing with a past, not moving but just stuck in the same old shit day in and day out. No future to speak of, with only wild plans left that have no chance of ever becoming true, and absolutely no interest in anything that would be readily attainable at even moderate efforts. There just seems no point in doing anything about a world in which "All is Right", because it doesn’t need fixing. Yeah, I’m confused: I’m perfect just as I am, but why the heck do I constantly have to improve myself, ascend, when I’m perfect allready?
And what’s with this idea of telling us our governments are wrong, when all of source is often also described as a strictly hierarchical arrangement of council after council, that can only operate if everybody sticks strictly to what he or she needs to be doing? Add to that the claim that there really is no good or bad, and I’m confused again.
It all feels strictly non-personal to me, no I involved, so I might as wel not be here. And yes, I did it myself: being pestered at school I shut them out, the bullies at first, and then anyone who could hurt me. Parents, with their endless bickering became nothing but the tasks requested of me. Did the same to my marriage, when things got tough: aiming to please, but forgetting to BE ME! Changing everything, but inside remaining the same old guy, getting older by the minute.
I’m tired! Been here since Souce made us, and I can hardly believe I actually volunteered to be dropped in this backwater world, with no map, no compass, and clues that confuse the hell out of me! I KNOW it’s all perfect, but from what I see here, I can hardly call it that. It just feels like the blissfull state we are about to be entering is just the ultimate in regulations, stipulations and administrations that leaves no room for anything but unconditional love: you can’t aim it, you can’t claim it, you can only trust it to be there when it matters. And that is not always when you want it the most!
Trust your Light,