I was on the phone to my dad just now, during the 11:22 coffee break in my cleanup day, when it happened: with a nice arial maneuver to draw attention to itself as it approached, a common house fly dove right into my steaming coffee! What could have driven it to such a kamikaze act?
Maybe it was pointing out that when it comes to my dad, I perform the kamikaze act time and time again, instead of standing up to him once and for all. Maybe that’s because he is annoying, but just not annowing enough to break with once and for all? Besides, breaking with dad would only hurt mum, and not the guy it would be aimed at. Frankly, I’m wondering if he can be hurt at all…
But if all I see is a reflection of myself, then what kind of a monster am I? Sure, I see where I am him, and where I am her, I have the strengths and weaknesses of both, but since they can hardly live with one another, how can I ever get along with myself being both of them?
And if it is an infinite house of mirrors, wouldn’t it get boring in the end? I mean, once you are convinced it is just you in here, is there any consolation in any of the reflections, however enticing they may be? Oh don’t worry, I’m not trying to end anything, mainly because I am thoroughly convinced that I am totally unable to end anything. Basically, I would just return in one form or another, to continue this useless game of reflection….
Because yes, I belong here: having tried to end snoedel and / or moorelife more than once, convinced me that there is some force at work trying to make me keep on carrying on, even though there seems no actual gain in doing so. I’ve been believing my share of unbelievable things before breakfast, but right now I’m tired, since there is really nothing more to do but exist until anything worthwhile happens. And frankly, I don’t see anything happening at the moment that is worthwhile, not even the neverchanging messages that it is all just around the corner, as it has been for the last twenty years.
The moment you threaten the Status Quo in whatever direction, you get written out of the equation only to resurface as a new variable somewhere else in the game, having to figure it all out again. The moment I start to believe all the good things will happen, I get thrown right back into the illusion they call bipolar disorder, a place where I definitely don’t wanna be. But at the same time, what they call ‘sane’ is also not something I would think is worthwhile.
Maybe it is better to stop THIS kamikaze act, and just dive head first into deadening domestic chores. At least those I can do with my brain closed, and it won’t upset anything except maybe me…..
Doubting the Existence of Love….