I’ve heard it say in these past years, and on the scale of years I even concur that time is speeding up, but lately, it seems to have come to a grinding halt, or at least life has: nothing left over but inconsequential things, which seem to give no reason whatsoever to be joyful about. I get to choose between the drudgery of being Sane and working all the time, or the even more obnoxious reality of being manic, not working, but also having no knowledge whatsoever about this reality that envelopes me.
I seem to finally have reached that point where I know I know NOTHING, and hence can no longer do anything useful with my life. Reduced to being, and no more plans for the future. Heck, even the wishes and desires seem to have evaporated into the fata morganas they always were, even though I firmly believed in their eventual outcome.
Right now, I no longer know what to believe, since all I came to believe over time just fails and fails over and over again to manifest Sure, there are the enticing appetizers that do, but they are just cruel jokes to play us for the fools that we are. No doubt I’ll be the guy that stopped believing in the ultimate truth one day too soon, but that just can’t be helped. I’ve had it, in this void where all I do is send out energy without seeing anything ever change. There were bullies when I was eight, and they were obnoxious enough, even if they were relatively harmless. I’ve grown up to become someone who can’t be missed, but is otherwise inconsequential, and the bullies now own most of the world, and play with toys I can’t even imagine.
The only thing I see around me is people leading their own lives, completely beside mine, who only get upset the moment I claim I’ve had enough. As soon as I seem stable, they return to their lives, which don’t include me. Good thing I like to help, because that seems to be the only thing I can do: help my kids, help my ex, help my boss, help the people around me that aren’t as handy with computers, help the visitors of moorelife, but I have absolutely no idea how to help myself!: nothing I can do by myself seems even remotely interesting, and I’m in no mood to suggest something to someone else, because they all have better things to do than hang out with me.
Is this the long silence before the big wave hits? Should I just ride it out, trusting myself to deliver whatever I had planned for myself a long time ago? Frankly, I no longer know what to believe. I even believe it doesn’t matter what I believe anyway, because the Cosmos is so vast I’ll never figure it out anyway. Thus, all that is left is an endless string of change, which I have proven to myself can totally not be controlled by me or anyone else. Letting go seems to be the only option left, but that sounds a lot like lying down waiting to cease living. And even that gets you nowhere but back here….
So the only thing left is going through the motions, doing whatever needs to be done, and being bored the rest of the time. Other than that, I have no expectations anymore. And as for trusting anyone to improve on that, I don’t.