There comes a time in your life when something happens, such as a great
Loss, that creates a shock wave in your being; yet it is a gift from
your soul to awaken you. Like five thousand volts of electricity, of
sizzling spirit zipping through your being, you are left fazed and
momentarily dazed. And then you see with crystal clarity… what you have
been hanging on to, that keeps you encapsulated in the tomb of your own
the high energy wave of our most recent Living In Light course. As is
customary and a wonderful finale to our course we found ourselves, that
is John, Johannes and I (and my son Daniel) walking in bliss, with the
wind in our faces and the taste of salt water on our lips, along the
golden sands kissed by the sparkling turquoise waters to the crescent
moon shape cove at Chapel Porth.
After walking through thigh deep water (the surging tide was coming in
fast) we reached our lovely sheltered, honeyed haven and flopped
ourselves down on soft glorious silky sand near very shiny black rocks
polished smooth by the tides, to savour the stunning views of the rugged
blue Cornish coast. John was talking away rather animatedly to Johannes
(I had my back to them, and was silent, mesmerised by the effect of
light dancing on water), when I was stunned out of my revelry as I heard
Johannes’s urgent voice calling me: “Leela, Leela, John has fallen
I abruptly turned round and felt the cold blast of loss hit my Heart.
And then the quickening: the shock of seeing my beloved lying helpless
and unconscious on the sand accompanied by a punch-in-the-gut feeling,
left me breathless and in a spin…… I saw my beloved had lost that light
in his eyes. Sickeningly, I thought he had had a stroke or even that my
beloved was dead…
And the cathartic pain of having my Love ripped from my heart cut
through me, like razor, to lead me back to a memory of a past life.
It was when I had lost my Love before on a battlefield under leaden
skies and fields stained with blood. He was lying there in what seemed
like John’s forlorn form. I was trying to stem the blood from his
bleeding heart, but to no avail… and I knew I was losing him then to the
pale grey of dawn, as I felt I was now on the sands by the sea.
I lamented deeply. As he lay there with lifeless eyes, his lips pale and
shrunken, there was a horrible wrenching to my heart, as I felt love
and life floating out of me on the Atlantic’s misty mizzle.
So there I was: going through this eternal echo moment again, with my
beloved. Out of the whirlpool of my churning emotions another misted
memory came to mind: when I was only sixteen I was left numb by the
shattering shock of the tragic death my first True Love as my parents
simply said: ‘He’s dead’.
That left part of me frozen in a wrinkle of time and spinning down the
path of self-starvation (anorexia), but that’s another story.
And so, as I gazed down to stare at my love as he lay there limp and
lifeless, cradling his head in my arms, I am not proud to say: I felt,
not just the overwhelming loss of my Love, but also the deep primal fear
of total loss of support and the gaping hole of life bereft, and so
very much on my own.
And all that left its frozen deathly grip on my heart and was ripping me
apart, yet opening me for something ‘more’ in my being… I just didn’t
Just as I felt this and poured my heart into John, I saw his eyes
flicker, a smile breaking over his face as he came back from our w-holy
and saving grace.
He opened his eyes and smiled and asked: ‘Why are you staring at me?’ !
So we looked at John and we all sighed with relief as he had light back
in piercing blue eyes, though he still looked a bit grey. And we
marvelled together in wonderment at how when he had fallen and hit his
head on the rock he was sitting on he had had his fall broken by a soft
carpet of sand that, synchronistically, a child had made earlier, in her
play. He’d simply got too heady from the incredibly high Living In
Light energies (highest ever!), not eaten enough and fainted. Within
minutes he was fully recovered and we all saw how he’d served us all,
and yet he’d been fully protected at the same time.
So, I was being given a message, as our soul’s angst often will do to open us up to something more.
It left me musing and meditating on my own relationship to my Self and
my life. I realized that I too must die to an attachment to survival and
support and love limited only to another, or it would be like a real
death to me: one that snuffs out my light and whips at my soul.
And so on the following day beneath July’s hot sizzling sun I made a
declaration of soul to be open to something more. I opened my arms and
body, willingly to the listening Sky and cried out aloud: ‘I surrender; I surrender to more, a new Love relationship with my world. I will grow into more of me and my Love.’
And as I relax and surrender and enjoy our embrace, I feel my Love
always there, in every living particle of my loving universe.
I feel it now, I grow and shine.
So, dear friend whenever you experience something in your life that
feels like a great a loss or shock, see it with fresh eyes as means to
free you from that which you maybe clinging onto in desperation and
attachment. It’s there to awaken you, to expand and open you to
something more, not less.
You are growing too, my lovely, you are …
And I love you so very much,