After the asthma dip last week, things got back to quite alright pretty quick. With ‘Drown in the Now’ on my speaker (the other one died) I am going to be writing just about that, and everything around it. Because there’s still that little trick which I can’t seem to get into: I can absolutely be happy with Now, but to me that implies forgetting about the rest. The moment I’m happy with Now, I simply forget about what might come next….
Likewise, the moment I start thinking about what might come next, it is no longer as easy to be happy with the Now. And even though I know that in fact it is all the Now, it doesn’t lose the distinction between Past, Present and Future, which it feels like it should. And even though many have already told me that wishes are not expectations, I cannot seem to separate the two: in order to lose my expectations about a certain thing, I feel I must let go of the wish, or I’ll still be expecting it…. wanting it to arrive, which of course blocks any chance of it manifesting.
I know there’s a wrong connection somewhere in that bunch of neurons, but I just can’t lay my finger on it! Is it my default behaviour of making my life fit my environment, instead of doing it the other way around? Am I just too busy trying to fit in, without ever really considering what I’d like? I mean, I thought I knew, but those last few yards towards the finish line seem to stretch into thousands of miles like some crazy rubber band. I’d hate to think of what would happen if I finally let go….
And besides, do I even know HOW to let go? Others keep telling me to relax, let go, drop the expectations. That, according to them is the way out. But to me that is just the way into the Now, no past, no future, just the everlasting drudgery of what comes next! And sure, it ain’t bad, but it feels like I’ve been there forever, have done it all already, and am aching for something new! And that is exactly what I’m NOT getting! Silence in every field of experience I might want to venture into next, but I have no idea anymore what that is saying to me. Is there something I am missing, an exercise I accidentally skipped?
It feels a lot like the movie Groundhog Day: every day repeats over and over again. Whatever new happens, is not in line with my intentions, or is going down the drain before something essential is actually happening. So should I just go on with everyday life, expecting the impossible to happen while I do? Well, some of it has already, and even though it was remarkable at the time, the newness of it wears off quite quickly. By now, all those miracles are just events that happened, and since I’m in the Now, they are inconsequential since they happened in the past. But then again, I’m probably just still stuck in linear time…..
Going around in circles,