I think I’ve got most of the disbelief stuff covered, by allowing for most of my world to simply exist without my interference. But when it comes to believing, there is this recurring tendency to slip back into the greatest killer of all manifestation: "Let’s wait and see"….
And thus I lie aimlessly on the couch, with most of my domestic chores done, and no real things that can (in any of my viewpoints) be considered excitement. Because the moment I start thinking about the things that do excite me, I’m too attached and thus not busy in alignment with my highest purpose.
And trying to figure out something more of the unimaginable simplicity of this Grand Design is way below my present complexity of mind. I need to simplify, forget all the rules I learned. It is just this feeling in my chest, that won’t rise above: "OK, so I’m here. What’s next?" No fire there, because the fire got me nowhere in the last few years. At least nowhere I cared to go, that is….
Sure, stuff happened that wasn’t exactly bad, but it also wasn’t what I’d asked for. It just shaped my life in a way I never would have imagined it, and thus can be pretty much considered "out of control". But then maybe that’s the point: enjoying whatever happens rather than making happen what you enjoy most…
I’ve learned so far that I have no influence in the world outside me, other than that I should change what’s inside me. But at the same time I’m told I’m perfect as I am, so why change? One tells me to get rid of the ego, the other tells me to accept it. I am just me, not really aiming at being better than anyone else, so most probably I never will be. But I would love a bit more belief, in both myself and whatever happens outside me. But I guess like anything in this world, that will have to grow one strand at a time, before I ever notice it.
Love your belief in things,