Looking for an illustration to go with this story, I found this quite easily:
And yes, I’ve been known to do this, even this morning. Nagging to my bro about how everything seems to go down the drain, while unconsciously racking up one success after another. And then even hating myself for being such a nag!
Today started with spending my hard earned cash on a wad of bills easily surpassing the limits of my bank account. In the end, I got stuck with a somewhat smaller wad of bills, that needs another type of that commodity to solve the problem. And even though such a possibility is looming on the horizon, it is stretching believability beyond anything I can come up with….
So, no space to do anything fun, I just woke the girls and made them breakfast. In order to have working space on the counter, I also had to do the dishes, while making myself a fresh pot of coffee. Being confronted with a dirty tea cloth, I remembered the laundry in the attic, and started the machine. Thank God I don’t have to do that by hand as well!
On the way down, I remembered the pile of clothes Laura had in her room, and asked her to sort them out in the laundry basket, so I could wash those next. Meanwhile finishing the dishes and the coffee, and getting upset about the lack of progress in my life….
And then it hit me: "I am all about focusing on progress!" I don’t care about what’s already here, because it cannot get me anywhere but NoWhere! And I’m not about Now Here, never have been! Ever since elementary school life had me pining for something better, and later schools focused on being better, I just did what I was taught to do, and got better every time. Getting to run Snoedel didn’t quite help, because there the emphasis is also on "soon", or at least used to be. Nobody ever told me in clear wordings that at some point I’d have to let go of being better, in order to be Me!
But look at what Now Here got me today: a kitchen top completely devoid of dirty dishes (well, not quite, because breakfast came right afterwards), a laundry bin as clean as a whistle, a sizeable reduction in the clutter in Laura’s bedroom, and a room full of clean laundry humidifying the house as it dries. Of course by tomorrow it will be a pile of clean dried clothing and stuff, which will give me another opportunity to appreciate the Now Here….
And the day is not over yet! At five there is an opportunity to help my ex transport a piece of furniture one floor up, and the mailman just dropped the DVD for Adaptation into my hall. Thanks for the tip, guys and gals!
Now there just remains my addiction to those information lines towards out there: mail, messenger, moorelife, and internet banking. Their dying of starvation is giving me clear indications of having to stop putting my eggs into those baskets. No, not that I won’t be posting anymore, but I need to become independent of the reactions through those channels. Or at least no longer be addicted to a steady flow in those areas. I need to become Me, regardless of whatever anyone may think or say about that….
I simply must stop doing things to reach an effect in the future, to learn that Now is Now, no two ways about that! And that doesn’t go as far as not expecting clean dishes when I wash them, it does mean no longer imagining any highly positive but just as highly unlikely possibilities the moment something out of the ordinary occurs. No planning more than a day ahead, just painting by the numbers. No wondering about why things start, and why they end, it’s all just change, the only constant!
They say you can play a perfect game of chess, and still be defeated. But Life is not a chess game, and I do not believe that consistent execution of choices according to my preferences will get me anywhere not in line with where I want to go.
Small steps, People!