Sometimes I feel like all is well, and there is this Oneness that takes hold of me. Other times, like this morning, I feel like I’m being pushed and shoved into stuff I may not like. Today is one such day, or at least this moment is: I would have been perfectly content just sleeping another hour or so, but some influence I don’t particularly like right now had me misreading the alarm clock, and getting up over an hour early instead of just ten minutes……
Now things like that could possibly ruin your entire day, right? if you let them, that is…
But hey, since I’m awake now anyway, why not get an early start on Moorelife, and save that hour for the end of the day, when ‘Me-time’ begins again after work? It is said that shaping your day is the right thing to do in the morning, but usually, I don’t ever get to shape Me-time, simply because I’m no longer into wanting it to become a certain way. I mean, work is easy: I want it to progress properly, so it does not carry over into the time I consider my own. That is only the right thing to do, right?
But beyond that? I no longer have a clue. I know what I think I’d like, but somehow there’s an odd feeling to that as well, like I’m fighting a losing battle here. Without even feeling bad about it, I figure that no matter what I do, it will all just happen the way it’s supposed to happen anyway…. Nothing I can do to change it, for better or for worse!
Well, then at least I cannot fuck it up, either! But if nothing will influence it, what am I doing here? Sitting at a screen, enjoying a nice hot coffee, but that’s about it. No free will but my own, and even that is inconsequential….
Well, maybe that is how the Big Guy felt, before He (no sexist bias intended) figured that AllOne was actually just Alone, and split himself into an infinite amount of pieces. He gave them Free Will, like I’ve done, and then watched them go about their things. "You gave us free will?", you might say, but yes I have (just like you did to me): since I recognized free will in myself, I simply couldn’t escape the fact that everyone has it, even if they don’t feel they do. And in allowing them to exercise it, I gave up my own. Drifting from free will to free will, I’m way too concerned with wanting everyone to have their way, before I even stop to think about what I want out of Life.
Maybe I should just drop it, and go after what I want, but then again if I did, I’d no longer be me….
I’m the guy who can be intensely happy for those who make it big, while I’m totally disregarding the fact I’m not. I can see the way out of misery for others, but am completely blind when it comes to finding my way around here. That sounds like I’m moaning about it, but in fact it is just a neutral statement. Heck, I’m so fucking neutral I am terrified of influencing it all either way! And so I don’t!
Deep down inside, I know I’m not succeeding anyway, because in untold ways I’ve already influenced it from here to kingdom come, and beyond. Always have, and always will. And no, I can’t mess it up, no matter how hard I try. But there’s just this gap between knowing and feeling, that’s got me fooled again and again!
I guess I made my purpose here to believe in Magic, without even a shred of proof either way. Nothing ever becomes concrete, but still I just can’t help believing it might. Publisher’s timing pushed the publication date of my novel beyond the crucial date in the story, so it won’t ever happen as I wrote it. But we all know Source’s road map has untold ways of bringing about that which could not possibly be even remotely possible.
So, another hot coffee, and then it’s on to another day of testing, which is basically what I do in real life anyway: just watching it all work or not work. No expectations, just a clean observer, even though quantum physics has proven such an animal does not exist…..
Love your Influence,