I’m not quite sure when it began, but somewhere in the past few days, a subtle change crept into my life. Before that, Pixie’s video would have swept me into this "If I can’t have Her before I stop wanting Her, what’s the use!?" tantrum. But like I said, something is changed. And I’m not quite sure what, but it feels like something I’ve been waiting for for ages….

Mainly, that is because I’ve been wanting all my life: wanting not to be plagued by the bullies as a kid, wanting to figure out the Cosmos so I could show them who’s smarter. Wanting to do good in school, wanting to get a good job, you name it, I wanted it! Yes, even the extremely pretty ladies I knew for sure I could never get near to….

And often, in the process of wanting, I’d promote stuff to needing in order to make sure it got acquired with priority. But somehow, all that kind of stuff took a back seat to the stuff that happens while we make other plans: Life! And I didn’t understand it at first: if positively surprising stuff happened, I took it to be a promise of something I could have, instead of a proof of something I already had! It’s all in this Eternal Now thing, you see?

I figure the crucial moment was last week, when I finally figured out that any wishes I might have made, were not a thing of the Past to be fulfilled in the Future,  but the delicious mix of my own preferences, shaken and stirred by my , always with me in the Now! And that integrated straight into the whirly curls of circular time for me. 

Now I no longer need my working day to be a certain way in order to please my boss, he went ahead and gave me a new job. Actually the one I wanted a year ago, and which I hadn’t thought about for quite a while, without making up my mind on whether I thought I’d get it, or whether I thought I wouldn’t. So yes, even if you are not convinced you’ll get what you want, it looks like you’re still in the race…

And the nudges keep going on: links to others continually are diminished in order to enhance my independence, because that is something I wanted too: feedback to know I’m doing the right thing. But bit by bit, this drip feed is being pinched off, leaving me to fend for myself. And bit by bit, I’m getting used to not having as much connections as before. It’s a gradual process, that has been going on for years. I just didn’t see it that way, and kept moaning about all those friends I faithfully answered each time they mailed, only to at one point not get an answer back. Figuring they didn’t need me, I wouldn’t bother them, and all communication stopped…..

Come to think of it, I am a loner: purely reactional, spending my days to lessen other’s needs. And even there, I’m being thoughtfully kept out of the various loops so as not to exceed my capacity for contribution. Stuff that’s important obviously gets priority, like the mass protests whenever I wanted to chuck it all, and trash Moorelife because I couldn’t see the point. In moments like those, my Higher Self knows how to organize the lifelines, even though he’s suspiciously  quiet when things are going OK.

He doesn’t push, and before I desperately wanted him to push: be more explicit about what it is he wants of me! Right now, I figure it’s OK the way it is. Just floating along, in a stream that looks like total boredom to most of you out there. But even though you’re welcome to share it, it is my boredom, made to measure in order to allow me the growth path I’m finally beginning to discern through the wants and needs!

For the first time in 47 years, I finally got the subtler meaning of Pixie’s video: It is not about the polarity of getting what you no longer want, but about the oneness of being what you are in the first place, without as much as giving a second thought to wanting anything, just welcoming change.

Love your Changes,