Woke up well rested this morning, and took the normal route to work, arriving at the exact same time I always do. Swiped my card by the lock, stepped inside, and there the monotony ended: a flatline beep woke me from my default mode of operation. Somebody had not yet taken the alarm off line! No instructions were ever given for such an eventuality, but my mood stayed perfectly level as I dialed the number on the alarm’s keyboard, hoping to encounter someone who did know what to do….
Robert sleepily cursed me for waking him that early, but he did know the routine: gave me a bunch of numbers which I shan’t repeat here, so I could call the security company, and shut down that flatline which had by then throttled up into a full-blown alarm siren! The checkpoint even told me what had happened: their guard assigned to open the door before seven, who always beats me to it, had unlocked the doors with his key, but then had to accept the fact that his card wouldn’t cause the doors to open anymore. He then had my boss warned, according to protocol, instead of waiting for the first guy to arrive who did have a working card: me!
That set the tone for today, a rather amused good-natured mood, which was also partially caused because it is payday today Add to that the fact that the systems test had been completed, and I got no additional instructions from my chef, thus leaving me with the knowing that my new job as the company’s Test Engineer would give me plenty of work-in stuff to do. By day’s end, I’d talked to the previous Test Engineer, who now works on the ground floor, studied the commercial requirements, which I did not have detailed knowledge of as a Software Engineer (we work from the Regular Requirements, which are more detailed), and started setting up my Testing Requirements. A full days work, at a steady pace, and accompanied by a steady stream of coffee….
On the way home, I suddenly realised that my mood had been extremely even today: Still waiting for some stuff somebody promised me, but the fact that it wasn’t there yet didn’t even bother me. And those few times I got sidetracked by wants and needs, I only needed one sip of coffee to flow back into "I’m fine!" mode. Besides, I am quite sure those sidetracks could easily be counted on the fingers of one hand. Funny that Sergio just now said about me that "that´s why Dré is always struggling because he can´t give up his wants
and needs, and even defend them he can only pretend he gives up, so yes
your higher self and you make a complete being but complete beings don´t
go around wanting things that way."
So, am I pretending? Sure I’m trapped, because life dangles all these carrots in front of me, and then says I have to let them go first, in order to get them! That is some seriously screwed up shit! and a logical mind would react: "if I let go, I don’t have it!" And I’ve been a logical mind for the better part of 47 years! Sure I’m having trouble letting go of logic! But trust is not logical, is it? I should know that by now, considering how often I trust people to do what they say, even when the past has shown them to back up on their words time and time again. I’m talking about guys like my ex-brother-in-law, who really can’t keep an appointment. But do I let myself be stopped from making arrangements with him, if he comes calling? Nope!
OK, so logic has to go, or at least be shown its proper place in the order of things. And as I figured out yesterday, desires aren’t some future wish you want to come true, but a mix of current preferences, that will always be there, regardless of whether I’m busy trying to get them fulfilled. So either I can figure out a way to gain the trust that my individual wishes will get fulfilled, but being a programmer, that sounds like a bum wrap: we programmers think generically, want to solve the lot at the same time. Now my big fear has always been that I would let go of the wish just like I should let go of wanting to see it fulfilled. But since they are just some subsets of my personal preferences, how could I ever forget such an essential part of ME? That’s not going to happen, so maybe letting go is going to be easier than I thought…
But back to Sergio’s statement: how DO complete beings go around? If it has anything to do with what I’m experiencing lately, it feels like they shouldn’t give a flying fart about receiving signals from anyone around, just going around being their complete self. But that sounds like a marvelous marble in a swimming pool. It may be complete, and it may be in the pool, but it doesn’t interact with the water…. I’m not quite sure I want to be complete that way! Notice that this is just me getting accustomed to the idea that as yet feels obnoxious to me. No interaction means no action, equals death any way you care to phrase it. But in the end, I’ll get used to even that, and will step up willingly, once all of me has it figured out. And the Higher Self may have already, but the Ego is most of the logical thinker, and he needs stuff explained his way, or he won’t let the other guy drive….
OK, dinner time! Enjoy….