Of course I Be Long! At 6’8" that can not be easily disputed. But in every other aspect of Life, I belonged to : the ever gnawing feeling that the parties are out there, while I was in here! It began one very cold winter night in 1963, when my mother and I made the decision that I no longer belonged in her, but rather to her. That trauma started the ball rolling, at age zero!

Oddly enough I just started Media Player, and it started my 1777 song collection at Level 42’s Take a Look. Talk about Solitude / Oneness:

I’m a ragged man with a ragged heart
but I wear my soul with pride
you can see me on the road
see my carrying my home
and perhaps it seems that I’m all alone
but I’m happy here inside
you can keep your fancy dress
’cause to me it don’t impress

when I look in your face

that camera smile looks out of place on you
by the look in your eyes
I can see you realize

so lend yourself to me

I’ll show you what could be

well I’ve come so far down so many roads

I’ve experienced your pain
you know that that’s a fact
I can see the way you act
but I learned to see what was wrong with me
and I won’t go back again
I know I’ve made mistakes
but I also made the break

you surround yourself

with secrets you are afraid to show to the world
you convince yourself
there’s no other way to go don’t you
see the smile on my face
does it look so out of place

so lend yourself to me

I’ll show you what could be (yes I will)

so many ways

for you to spend the passing days

loving and living or losing and using

life is forgiving so use it well
feeling revealing or wheeling and dealing
life’s not for stealing and time will tell

take a look at your face

take a look at your face

you must surely know

if man made heaven then man made hell
so take a look at yourself
what’s this secret you can’t tell me
(when I look in your face
I see that smile so out of place on you
and by the look in your eyes
I can see you realize, oh yeah)

And that EXACT feeling, is my experience for these last few days: I’m the drifter and  the pedestrian, that last one being woken by this non-descript bystander worth many more millions, and finally realizing that all those secrets that I didn’t tell over time are One by One becoming invalidated, no longer belonging in secrecy! Sure, I was a loner, and at times even a loaner, but my main drawback was not wanting to belong to any group, simply because early life experiences showed me I didn’t belong to a group. Of course that was the Cosmos telling  me that Duality and Multiplicity are fun when you’re playing, but I just took it all the wrong way!

It would be too much work to enumerate all observations that eventually led to my decision, and of course would be far too boring, but at the time I had good reason to believe that I did not belong in groups, because they played much nicer as long as I stayed out. Didn’t even know back then that I belonged to Oneness anyway, it being All, and thus including little ol’ me! (Yes, I was Old and Wise even then):

As far as my eyes can see
There are shadows approaching me
And to those i left behind
I wanted you to know
You’ve always shared my deepest thoughts
You follow where i go

And oh when i’m old and wise
Bitter words mean little to me
Autumn winds will blow right through me
And someday in the mist of time
When they asked me if i knew you
I’d smile and say you were a friend of mine
And the sadness would be lifted from my eyes
Oh when i’m old and wise

As far as my eyes can see
There are shadows surrounding me
And to those i leave behind
I want you all to know
You’ve always shared my darkest hours
I’ll miss you when i go

And oh, when i’m old and wise
Heavy words that tossed and blew me
Like autumn winds that will blow right through me
And someday in the mist of time
When they ask you if you knew me
Remember that you were a frined of mine
As the final curtain falls before my eyes
Oh when i’m old and wise

As far as my eyes can see

Funny how ‘take a look’ started Level 42, where ‘As far as my eyes can see’ started off Alan Parsons, but that’s basically what occupied me back then: I came, I saw, I crawled away bruised. No pity please, I’m Dutch! We know all about medelijden en medeleven. Took me a while to figure out that ‘suffering with’ wasn’t the way to go, but that ‘living with’ might make me feel better. So rather than friends, family was most important, but even there I did not belong. Thus I spent more and more time with friends that had families where belonging came easy. Henk was one such bossom buddy, but of course the bossom belonged to his older sister Miriam, who one day told me a joke a lady shouldn’t: "Boys are like candy. If you have too much of them, you grow big!"  Being schoolkids, we simply laughed it off and were done with it. But belonging came to have a lot to do with females by now…

Having finished school, I came to work in the IT industry, and moved to Utrecht, far away from home. If family was the key, then at least I’d have a family where I felt I belonged! Getting a enabled me to visit a penpal, a curly top named Linda with the cutest smile ever. I still remember walking in there as the door opened, and having a nasty thought: "This ain’t her, but she’ll do for now…."  Now lasted seventeen years, and spawned into two beautiful daughters, but it did only last as long as it was supposed to. And then you can fight it all you like, but you’ll still end up in Oneness again, thinking your previous conclusions were right after all. Belonging became temporarily suspended as I took a temporary apartment downtown, close to the station. I’d have to get out there soon, but a great calm descended on me: My ex would pressure me to go looking for the next home, but I was quite clear on that feeling: the living situation that would eventually emerge would be more belonging to me. Close to the ending of the lease, my landlord who had told me he could not prefer me above his other customers, suddenly awarded me a home not three hundred meters from where my kids lived with their Mum! Now that was where I belonged, for Now!

Another cascade of events came after that, back in Oneness again, a.k.a. Single Life. I tried to promote it to Moorelife, but that had its own home on the servers of one.com. So no roommate there! Living Apart Together it was, but that didn’t quite feel like I belonged there, not at All! Next came a colleague, who took me for a walk (actually a lot of walks), and then left as magically as she had appeared, while leaving me a very real memento of her having been real. Thus she’s still real to me now, wherever she might be. Where belonging was concerned, she too wasn’t quite it: she was already married, and her name was not on our  marriage certificate, so I again perceived a group, a gathering two or more. If she hadn’t left and things hadn’t changed, I’d have kept my distance with ease, because of my significantly longer reach: I’m 6’8", with arms to match, and she was 5’4".

Round about that time, I did my first course with the company, and had the obligatory dinner during the week. Still feels awful, even though by Now it serves only as reference material to relate it to tonight’s diner party.  Back then, anxiety about going out with a group was way up, unlike tonight. But anxiety played bigger roles back there in many areas of my being: Is my boss satisfied with my work? Do my colleagues like or hate me? And what about that special one? The list of questions I asked mself was so long, I never did stop to listen to my Higher Self. That only happened last weekend, after a lot of positive involvement from various sources. It’s too much to describe all that in detail, because observational completeness is still  way off, but I now know a few tips of the iceberg that is called the Light Underground. They maneuver in mysterious ways, like their friend and benefactor, the One. 

So tonight’s diner, contrary to it’s past incarnation, was highly interesting. Moreover, with the magical appearance of Neda it even became highly intriguing. No longer burdened down by the ‘Mess with the ’-syndrome, conversations were light as a feather. One of the 8 boys tried asking Neda  for her age, but she didn’t reveal it yet. The subject being age, I asked her to guess mine, simply for the pleasure of knowing in which way her possibly error would influence me.  She looked at me briefly, and then came out with a stunning thirty-two! Nearly fell off her when I revealed my birthdate, about 16 years prior to her estimate. Ego-boost? Nah, but the story continued: next, the beauty asked me to guess her age. Having certainly observed the striking resemblance between Seda and Neda, I mention here first the obvious ones: both about 5’4", both dark shoulderlength hair, dark brown eyes and a very lovely smile. Both love wearing high heels, apparently to offset their petite physiques.  And both were married to a guy other than me. Even their voices sounded similar as I remember Seda’s. So I guessed their ages wouldn’t differ all that much…. (nope, not them….):

But rather than blurting out the answer, which would have been right by the way, I followed my heart: "As far as I’m concerned, you have always existed, and you will always exists: hence, the answer must be Infinity", I told her. Couldn’t read if she was pleasantly surprised, or annoyed at me for daring to imply she was too old for me rather than the other way around, but at that moment it really didn’t matter. It just felt like the  right answer, so I gave it to her as is. Besides, I didn’t lie: I honest to God believe with all my heart the four Laws of Creation. And doesn’t the first law state: "You have always existed and you will always exist. Can’t change that!"? I rest my case….

But time flies when you’re having fun! I’ve overrun my schedule for my beauty treatment and sleep, and my alarm rings in about five hours! If I want to look at all rested tomorrow, my manifestation attempt for a well-rested awakening in the morning better be damn near PERFECT!!!

God Night,