Nothing is any different from what it was 48 years ago: there are those who bother me and those who have their own lives, and then there is me: forced onto this world by a completely mismatched couple that wouldn’t listen to a friendly warning in the for of two miscarriages. So they went and did it again, even though I was just the signal to the outside world that they were ‘normal’ and belonged here….And then there is this group who desperately want to see me grow and flourish, but at the same time also do not want to keep in contact any more than is strictly necessary. Feeding me riddles because apparently I gave the impression I wanted them, merely by indicating I wanted to know how this whole Cosmos fits together.
Well, the whole puzzle is about to be thrown into a corner, like all toys that have outlived their usefullness for me. No wonder they keep their distance! I probably just am the asshole that can’t even accept the first of the three laws: or rather can accept that it is so, but not see the point of it! Joy? Yeah sure, for everyone involved, except me unless I am helping them in some way…
The only thing I do here, is nibble away at my life, stripping every luxury as being none relevant to my existence, for the simple fact that no joy can be gained from it. Somebody once called it the ‘Singleminded Pursuit of Happiness’, but it is more like the ‘Fire and Forget’ of Creation: Either I create it and it can stand on it’s own, or it wasn’t worth the effort I put into it. Well, of course it still is, but I just feel no attachment any more, the moment it’s been created.
And that has me stuck: for I could create the deepest of my wishes, but in fact I won’t because I don’t want to end up being entirely indifferent to her…. So instead I simply exist, because the first law won’t let it be any other way!
Reminded by my netbook, I simply observe the fact that in fact I observe One, so have no need to aspire it: I know who I am, just the one thing outside of the One! Home is a useless structure somewhere on a third rock from a god-forgotten star in the vastness of that which cannot be measured. You can’t possibly get any more infinitessimal than that. And everything around me just keeps on stressing the fact that I should be part of it, when the simple observation remains: I AIN’T!
Figures just don’t add up, visitor numbers don’t match actual observation, market mechanisms are weirdly distorted by looking terribly amateuristic from the producing end where I was trying to get in, and highly professional from the consuming end, where I’ve just about had enough of yet another mindless purchase. Hmm, purrrchase: chasing after the pussy that knows how to keep it’s distance. Lots of them out there have given up on that, and try to convince me to do the same. But what they don’t see, is that that would strip me of the one and only desire I have left, leaving an empty void, simply because the first law cannot be bent or broken. I’ll be there allright, but just doing whatever everybody expects of me, simply because there is no joy in anything else…..
Now voids do attract because Nature abhors them, but that is no good to the entity that just left the building thus creating it: if it still was there, there would be no void, and hence, no attraction.
Still Here, but not fanatically,