The following is part of a personal reading with Saint-Germain. It's reprinted here with the client's permission.
"Dear Saint-Germain, I’ve been waiting a long time for my young son to grow up, so that I can have more time for myself. I am so busy that I feel that I’m going to break into a thousand pieces. But now that he’s about to turn 4 years old, I’m thinking of having another baby! It sounds crazy, but that’s what’s happening to me.
"I also find that the people I love the most, my husband and son, are the ones I am treating the worst. I’ve never been so nervous and upset before in my life. I shout at them and lose my patience so easily. How can you explain these contradictions in my behavior?
"Maybe I should try meditating again? It used to work so well for me.
"I would also love to help Gaia during these critical times. But I don’t know how this will fit in, especially when I think of all the care that another baby will require.
"You know, I’m a spiritually aware person, and I take full responsibility for my actions. But at times, I feel like I’m going to wind up in a psychiatric hospital, if I don’t get some relief soon. Can you help me?"
Dear friend, we are Saint-Germain and Jeshua, along with Alexandra and Dan. We thank you for expressing so well your concerns, questions, and inner contradictions. We know this is hard to do, especially when you are feeling confused and overwhelmed about which path you should take in your current situation.
We’ve listened to the words and the energy that you’ve shared with us. We would like to ask you to join us now in honoring and accepting your life and your experiences, just as they are.
Please join us here in this space by getting quiet within and breathing deeply for a moment.
Feel now, that at the core of everything, all is perfect, Just As It Is. You know this. And you can accept it, if you will just let go of the need to understand more than is necessary for you to know.
As a popular translation of the I Ching says, “The heart thinks constantly. This cannot be changed, but the movements of the heart (that is, a man’s or a woman’s thoughts) should restrict themselves to the immediate situation. All thinking that goes beyond this only makes the heart sore.”
Your Sub-Personalities in Opposition
Our dear friend, you are a very strong person in many ways. You have a strong body. You have a strong will. And you have a strong mind. You may feel yourself sometimes, and even experience yourself in some moments, as a fierce warrior. But also, you can experience yourself as a very gentle, compassionate, and loving person. Both are true.
But the contradictions begin to appear, when you find that these two very distinct parts of your personality are clashing with each other in your mind.
Each of these sub-personalities seems to have different values, and each one demands that you fulfill its needs first. When you pay attention to one, the other feels ignored and begins to protest. The needs and values of these two sub-personalities appear to be diametrically opposed. This is the source of the contradiction and confusion in your life and in your mind at this time.
What you need to do is find a balanced expression, integration, and collaborative set of roles that these two parts can play together. Remember that these are elements of your personality; they are not Who You Really Are. These sub-personalities only create conflict in your mind when you over-identify with them, thinking that one or the other is who you are.
How the Conflict and Contradiction Works
Each time you ally yourself with one of these sub-personalities and attempt to satisfy its needs first, the other one will start to complain. If this is prolonged, the unfulfilled sub-personality will eventually sabotage your peace of mind with its agitation, dissatisfaction, and demands.
But as soon as you shift your allegiance and attempt to satisfy the unfulfilled sub-personality, the first one will feel ignored. It will take up a similar strategy, and eventually sabotage your peace of mind with its own “flavor” of dissatisfaction, jealousy, anger, or demands.
When this happens over and over again, you cannot help but experience your mind as if it were a tennis ball in play upon a court; being furiously battered, slammed, spun, and lobbed about by two opposing players.
It is no wonder that you feel you are on the brink of insanity at times.
The energy of the fierce warrior needs to blend with the gentleness and compassion of the mother, lover, and friend. But when these two are clashing in your experiences, you find yourself confused and asking, “How can I live with these two contradictions within me?” And so, you question your sanity, and you fear for your mental balance.
David or Goliath?
But let us go now to the core of Who You Really Are. This is the backbone that holds you upright. It keeps you standing straight and tall, as the wonderful being that you are.
At the core, you know that you are strong, wise, and powerful, as well as compassionate, gentle, and kind. You are firm, but also generous with the ones you love – and even with strangers. Look at this, and feel this balance and integration within you.
But your mind is split on this point, and the ego is the culprit.
Your ego (the false you) tries to fix your attention on it, rather than let you remember Who You Really Are. Rather than allow you to recall your Perfection and Wholeness. It does this by continually switching between sub-personalities, changing one for another as though they were masks. Wearing first one, and then another, back and forth.
This switching keeps you distracted and unable to remember Who You Really Are.
When your ego has convinced you that you are, first and foremost, a loving mother, then you are almost automatically locked into a certain kind of self-image. For example, you may think of yourself as compassionate, tender, and even vulnerable, much as a mother is after she has given birth. You may also see yourself as a shepherd to the meek and helpless, much as the Biblical figure, young David, was to the lambs in his flock.
But if you over-identify with this role that you play, however real it may be in your life, then you may find it difficult to conceive of yourself as also being strong and powerful; even resolute and warrior-like.
How could a sensitive and caring mother also be direct, forceful, and warrior-like? This is not an image held easily in mass consciousness. It is certainly not the Goliath of the ancients, nor the Rambo of modern myth.
So you ask yourself, “How could I, as a mother, act aggressively toward my child? The selfless love that I desire to express toward my child, and the need to assert myself as a separate and independent individual, seem to be completely irreconcilable.” So you may decide to capitulate to the child (and to others, as well), all under the subtle guidance of your ego.
But when the assertive part of you has had enough of putting her needs last, serving everyone else in her life first; then the warrior emerges – and the warrior announces her arrival with a fury. Woe, to all those who stand in her way!
Now you will play the warrior, Goliath, for a time (again under that direction of your ego). You will do this until the guilt of trampling others feelings arouses your compassionate side – and then you will switch your allegiance again. You will exchange Goliath for David. You will cycle through these sub-personalities, again and again, as long as you are unaware that this is what you are doing.
This switching IS literally maddening. And most people do this, in some form or another, all of their lives.
Why Does the Ego Switch Between Sub-Personalities?
The ego switches constantly between sub-personalities with only one purpose in mind. To keep you from remembering Who You Really Are. It would rather keep you in a state of chaos and confusion about your true identity, than let you remember your Divinity. It does this because it believes that it will literally cease to exist, if you decide to take up a Truth-aligned life.
The Truth is that you are a Child of God, and God, also – and that when you remember this, all the differences and contradictions within you are reconciled.
The story of David and Goliath is brought to a resolution, not with the death of Goliath, but with his realignment and merging with David.
There is no need for the maternal, vulnerable role that you have been playing to do battle with the strength and power that you also perceive in yourself. You have to bring David and Goliath together. Let these two archetypes merge together as one. There is no need for them to fight against each other. Let them, instead, fuse into the Wholeness That You Are as a Child of God.
Look at your life, and when you find yourself in situations that are challenging your physical or emotional strength, try bringing this new perspective to them. Try bringing in the perspective of your Divinity.
You don’t need to feel yourself as vulnerable and weak in order to bring the very powerful warrior within you to the surface to do battle with that threat. As for example, in the situation with your son, who seems in your mind to be threatening your peace of mind and your ability to find some time for yourself to feel balanced again.
There is no real threat involved around his presence, although you may perceive it this way at times. But once this perception is active, then the sub-personality responsible for it can become angry, and may even start to fight back in ways that make you feel uncomfortable and unbalanced, indeed.
As a result, you become disturbed and frightened, and feel that you are losing your mind because you are acting in ways that are contrary to the principles of love that you also uphold.
Yes, indeed, it’s about finding balance again.
Meditation and More
And meditation is a way to do it. However, now it may be different than the way you imagined it would be, or the way it used to be for you, before.
In these stressful moments that you are living now, you may think of meditation as a way to isolate yourself from the world and from your many activities and demands. You are trying to reach for this “tool,” as you call it. But you can’t seem to grasp it the way you once did.
This is because it’s time for you to find a new way to meditate.
It’s time for you to find a meditative balance, even while you are active – even while you are involved in the world. It’s possible to be in a meditative state of mind under many circumstances. For example, meditation can be a moment when you are preparing food for yourself, or for the family. Or even when you are cleaning the house. Dan, for example, finds great quiet and calm while washing the dishes.
Meditation can touch the core of your being, even if you are involved in other things.
You can still feel the flow of undisturbed calm moving through you, even while you are busily engaged. You may be active, but your mind can remain peaceful, focused, and completely centered on what you are doing. Professional athletes call these moments of enhanced, yet easily flowing performance “being in the zone.”
So please remember that your outer activities do not have to separate you from enjoying a state of inner balance and peace. Instead, you can use these activities to focus your mind, until it becomes still, and you are able to connect with the Source of peace and balance that lies within you.
Start this kind of “active” meditation with small steps, first. For example, when you start an activity, you can make a conscious decision about the way you are going to be involved in it. Breathe deeply before you begin, and ask your Soul to guide you smoothly into the flow that allows you to feel peace and balance while engaging in that activity.
Do not get upset if it does not work at the very beginning. Just remember to keep a simple awareness of Spirit. Perhaps the most important thing to recall is that every activity can be spiritual, if you will allow your mind to embrace it to the point of non-judgmental “stillness.” When you can do this, you will feel connected to your Divinity, no matter what you are doing.
Keep this in mind and practice it consistently, and you will see a big difference in how you feel. Before long, you will find yourself centered again. Balanced and peaceful, as you know yourself to be.
Also please remember that there is nothing wrong in the way you have done things until now.
Nor is it fair for you to compare the experiences you had before your child was born, with the ones you’ve had since his birth.
You should recognize that these are just different stages in your life. Nothing more.
As the saying goes, “This is like comparing apples and oranges.” The experience of eating an apple is no better than the experience of eating an orange. They are different fruits, each with its own unique flavor to be experienced.
During these times, when everything is awakening to a New Consciousness – the world, its inhabitants, and everything on Earth – you are also perceiving change and transformation very strongly in your personal life. And as the nature of reality on Earth is changing now, so changes are taking place in your personal reality, as well.
You cannot remain unaffected by these changes. So please, don’t be hard on yourself, when you feel this happening. The speed at which everything is transforming within you, and without you is amazing. It is natural at this point in the evolution of consciousness for you, and for everyone who is open to these changes.
Remember to be gentle with yourself, and less critical.
Honor the path you have walked until now, and remember that it has served you well in discovering the great and wonderful qualities that you possess. Allow the changes that are occurring in your life to reach a point of integration. Once this is done, then your inner knowing will show you more about the new direction that you will take up, if you are in agreement.
Know that you are deeply loved and supported by us all, my friend.
We are Saint-Germain and Jeshua.
Would you like to receive special guidance for something that really matters to you?
Then please consider having a personal reading with Saint-Germain.